Posted by
lobo1776 on Friday, December 29, 2006 3:49:03 PM
Everyone likes to do a couple of things on New Year's Eve: make resolutions and/or make predictions. I guess it's because we're so full of anticipation of the new year being better than the last one, we gotta bust out with our ideas.
I quit making New Year's resolutions a looong time ago. The last one I resolved to do was give up smoking, drinking, and sex. Thems was the longest 10 minutes of my life. Very few people rarely, if ever, keep their resolutions. Resolutions are always the same: lose weight, (I know I should) give up some vice(over my dead body), and strive to be a better person(kind of a catch-all resolution). In the end, however, we keep on doing the same thing we always do. Creatures of habit we be!
Predictions are trickery. They involve some kind of knowledge into the subject you are predicting. They take an enormous amount of time and energy watching trends, collecting data, and talking to other so-called experts who are also making predictions. The good thing about it is that predictions have a higher success rate than resolutions.
Well, I'm getting to be an old, lazy dog. As I said earlier I don't make resolutions anymore and the last prediction I made was in 2004, when I confidently predicted the Chicago Cubs would win the World Series. Thanks alot Steve Bartman.
So now I make what I like to call "imaginations". Imaginations are made up of part wishfull thinkin', part observation, and a large part of my favorite herbal drink made from PassionFlower and Wild Lettuce. It's safe, non-addictive, and helps you instantly re-live the sixties. So here are my top twelve imaginations for 2007.
I imagine:
1)...that when Chairman Mao Tse Pelosi and her gang take over, church attendance will rise, tenfold. We need you Lord more than ever!
2)...that in order to avoid conflict with North Korea, the Democratic party will elect Premier Kim Jong Il as official "Cook Of the House and Senate". The ASPCA will note a marked decrease in the amount of stray dogs.
3)...that after all the hub-bub regarding Britney Spears, sans undies, more and more celebrities will be photographed leaving expensive limos minus theirs. The fashion industry will respond will a pair of underwear that disappears when photographed.
4)...that Hillary Clinton, noting the popularity of the "No Undies Syndrome" and her low campaign poll numbers, will write another book entitled:"It Takes A Village to Wear No Undies". The book will be an immediate success causing Mrs. C to give up her campaign for the Presidency and join "The View" as a fashion consultant.
5)...that the American Medical Association will declare "No Undies Syndrome" or "NUS" as a disease and declare they will spend millions to find a cure. Michael J. Fox will appear in front of the Senate and insist that more money be spent for embryonic stem cell research to cure NUS.
6)...that bloggers will discover that Jimmy Carter was actually a Democratic conspiracy. His presidency never existed and his book: "Palestine: Peace not Apartheid" was actually written by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The nation will be outraged, Habitat for Humanity will tear down every house Carter built, and Carter, himself, will be exiled to Georgia never to be heard from again(we could only hope). Because of the success of his book, Ahmadinejad will resign for the Iranian presidency to hit the the talk show circuit and will join "the View" as a fashion consultant.
7)...that the ACLU will discover that there really is a Constitution and there really isnt any seperation of Church and State. They will apologize to any and all churches, city halls, school boards and 8-year-old children they filed law suits against. The ACLU will join Jimmy Carter in exile, in Georgia, never to be heard from again(we can only hope).
8)...that Rosie O'Donnell will announce that she isn't really a lesbian, that, in fact, her and Donald Trump have been secretly married to each other for years. She will tell a stunned nation that all the verbal mudslinging that has been going on between the two are actually coded signals of love. Joy Beher will also announce that she and Donald Rumsfeld have been secretly married and that when she called him "Hitler" it was actually her pet name for his private parts.
9)...that bloggers will discover that the Food and Drug Administration is actually an Islamic terrorist conspiracy designed to destroy the American public by polluting them with unnecessary and harmful drugs. The entire FDA will resign in scandal and join "the View" as medical consultants.
10)...that Senator Barak(bin el) Obama will announce that his biography is fraudulent and that he is secretly the love child of Bill Clinton. While acknowledging Obama is his son, Clinton will again say that he : "never had relations, sexual relations with that woman, no matter who she was". Obama will give up his quest for the presidency and both he and Clinton will tour the talk show circuits as a father-son ventriloquist act.
11)...that the State of Kentucky, my home-town, will have a new governor this year and his name will be Billy Harper. I'll blog more on that later.
12)...that the US military will still be in Iraq fighting for the freedom of the Iraqi people and ultimately for our freedom from terrorism. The American public, in a direct slap in the face to the main stream media, will reaffirm it's support of President Bush and our involvement in the war on terror. The Republican party will find a new resurgence of energy and go back to their conservative roots. RINO's (Republicans in name only) will become an endangered species. John McCain will announce he is not seeking the Presidency but will return to Arizona to pursue his one dream: to be a shaman for the Navajo Indian tribes.
Well, there you have it. My "imaginations" for 2007. I doubt any of these will take place, but in a country as dynamic as ours, you never know. My prayer for you and yours is for the best in the New Year, and, as we say down here, "the Good Lord willin' and the creek don't run dry", we'll all be back here again next year for my 2008 "imaginations"
HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYONE!!!!!!