A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what
type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this
the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain
as
innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so
excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on
our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be."
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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver
tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and
killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to thecar
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-emptybottle of
expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other,
and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife
gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad
passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
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A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."